Spam, Lovely Spam

What is "spam?"

Spam (n): 1 - A lunchmeat product created by Hormel that made it's debut around World War II.
2 - Unsolicited email or posting advertising a product or a service.
Spam (v): To send unsolicited email or to post an unsolicited advertisement of a product or service.

The most common question: "how do I get rid of spam?"

First of all, I'm not going to bore you with the history of Spam - for that go to http://www.spam.com/ (which, from a personal point of view, is not boring at all but outrageously hysterical - take note of those cheesy flash dudes - that's a riot, but then again, that's my sense of humour). Nor am I going to explain the origin of the term, with regards to that unwanted email. Why? Because nobody seems to actually know. Theories abound on the Internet, but the actual reason for its usage is contentious.

The most popular argument is that it doesn't come from the Hormel product but from the famous sketch by the Monty Python's Flying Circus television show's classic "spam" sketch. For those of you who have been living in a cave for the past forty years, it goes like this:

A couple (the man played by Eric Idle and the woman played by a cross-dressing Grahame Chapman) go into a restaurant. The waitress, played by another cross dressing Python (Terry Jones, in this case) tells them that they can order:
"...egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam."

Meanwhile, a troupe of Vikings (or is that a "mob" of Vikings) in the background, start singing the praises of spam. And it goes a little something like this:
"Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spaaam, lovely spam"

Troupe? Mob? Well, they're definitely Vikings at any rate. They're dressed like Vikings and later the waitress shouts out "Shut up! [they shut up] Bloody Vikings!" I think that's a hint.

So what does this have to do with the Internet? Well, I'm glad you asked (even though you didn't - I did). As you all know (unless you've been living in a cave for the last fifteen or so years) the term "spam" is a colloquialism used to describe those useless bits of junk mail that you get in your emailinbox. It can also refer to unsolicited advertising posts on blogs (although that's a later contrivance) and generally anything unwanted and repetitive.

Almost everyone agrees that the term originated from the Monty Python sketch, rather than the actual lunchmeat product, but the experts disagree on why this is the chosen term for our Internet woes. Some argue that the term "spam" was picked to describe the fact that the spam that you get in your email box is repetitive like those "bloody Vikings" singing about spam. Others say it's because it's relentless like ... well ... those bloody Vikings singing about spam. Yet another argument says that it's because you can't get what you want, like the poor old woman (played by Grahame Chapman) who doesn't like spam and when she asks for "egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam" gets a disgusted "Urgghh!" from the waitress and another chorus of "spam, spam, spam" from those "bloody Vikings." Clearly, it's a mixture of all three which is probably why the term "spam" is so adept at describing that delicious spiced lunchmeat you find so often in your inbox.

So, how to get rid of it. It's quite simple, really. Take your computer, unplug all of the cables, put it in a cardboard box and put it out in the alleyway for the garbage collectors. There you go. Easy enough. It sounds like I'm being frivolous, but that really is the simple truth. Or just unplug your computer from the Internet (if you have a wireless connection, turn off the wireless card - contact your computer provider for further instructions).

Seriously, people. It can't be done. The answer really is that simple. Asking "how can I use my computer on the Internet without getting spam" is like asking "how can I drive down the freeway without seeing a billboard?" Same answer: "don't drive down the freeway." Spam is, after all, simply another form of advertising. The question you should be asking is: why am I getting spam?

Now there you can do something. But don't be fooled - you can't ever totally irradicate your spam intake. If you're already getting spam then it's pretty much too late. You can sign up to "be removed from the mailing list" but this is a double-edged sword. While certain reputable spam sources will remove your email address from their lists (and, technically, many of these sources probably couldn't be referred to as "spam" as, somewhere along the line you probably forgot to uncheck the checkbox that says "I agree to receive mailings from [blah blah blah]" - you know, the one in tiny grey letters at the bottom of that mail order site you went to five years ago - and, therefore, isn't "unsolicited") for some of the less reputable ones (read as: 98% of the Internet spam community) the "remove me" procedure is actually there to confirm that this is a legitimate email address to market to.

My philosophy on this, however, is go ahead and do that - click the "remove me" button. But if they then ask for which email address to remove, run. Let's face it, if they don't know which email address then chances are you're pumping their list - it's the same deal as sending the mailing costs to that Nigerian representative who's trying to smuggle funds. But then again, on the other hand, what do you have to lose? You're already on their list and it costs nothing for them to churn more junk mail out to you - even if they think it's a dead address, it costs them nothing (sorry, a nanosecond of processing time) so they'll keep sending it out. If you choose the "opt-out" option at best you will, in fact, be removed from the list. At worst, same as before (spam spam spam spam).

Now here's a handy trick that I thought of a couple of years ago that reduced my spam intake to zero, but it took time, patience and a particular vindictiveness. Look at their email and follow the links and find a fax number. Most marketing emails will have this or a way to get this - pretend to be an interested customer and they'll send it to you - after all, the spammers are trying to sell you something so they must provide a way for you to contact them. Then get yourself a fax program (it may cost a few cents for the phone call) and make up a full page fax that says "remove me from your emailing list." Provide your name and email address (after all, you do want the "credit" for doing this). But put the text in tiny print - only just readable and make the page a reverse copy: white text on a black background. Send it to them a few times for each time they spam you. After you've chewed up a profitable amount of their toner and fax paper you'll find that they'll drop you from their list like a hot potato (I went from an average 100 pieces of spam a day to zero within a week - but then again, I was out of work and had plenty of time on my hands).

But this probably doesn't work much anymore as many faxes are received electronically. So you have to resort to the next trick - one I call "spamming the spammers." Again, it might cost you, but then again what do you really want to do? Stop being spammed, right? Similar to the fax trick, find a return email address (or even that fax number might work). Then compose an email and force the maximum amount of characters into it - the complete works of William Shakespeare should do the trick - and set up an automated process that sends it continuously so that it clogs their email system and prevents legitimate orders. You may have to set up a few email addresses to send from but Yahoo and Hotmail provide them for free, so you can use theirs - you're not really trying to receive mail from these addresses, are you? Of course you want them to know why you're doing this to them. Make sure that you put in your message that you want to be removed from their list. Probably three times - at the very beginning, at the very end, and during the gravedigger scene from Hamlet "Alas, poor Yorik, I knew him please take me off your email list, Horatio." Make the subject line "I want to buy your [product/service]" so that it won't be spam filtered by them.

Speaking of which, spam filters are a terrific idea if you don't want to receive legitimate email. The problem with a spam filter is that it matches keywords or doesn't allow anything to pass except from authorized email addresses. But we're trying to run a business and some of these emails may come from very good potential new customers with unknown email addresses that may have some of these verboten keywords in their subject lines - those offensive words like "buy" and "sell" often get axed by the draconian electronic doorkeeper. That's lost business and lost business is bad business. Or it may be from an old, long lost friend who likes making jokes about viagra (don't laugh - I've actually had this happen - an email banned by a spam filter from a known friend who used the word "viagra" in his subject line).

The best advice I can give anyone about avoiding spam is "don't get on their lists in the first place." Only provide your email address to trusted sources. If you're not sure if a source is trusted then try this (if you have the time, patience and inclination) after giving your email address to an unknown source (like a storefront site) don't give it away for a while. If spam suddenly shows up, then you know who the culprit was. If you really have a vendetta against spam then try this trick (credit goes to my old boss) - create an email address with a misspelling in your name - and give this to one site only. When a bunch of spam (or is that a "mob" of spam? I've never been good with collective nouns) starts filling up that inbox then you know that this isn't a trusted site and that they've been selling their mailing lists. Then go ahead and find yourself a good lawyer (I mean, a "rockin'" lawyer because I doubt you'd have much of a case, but then again, I'm not a legal expert).

It's also a good idea to avoid putting an email link on your website. While the "Can-Spam" act prohibits web spiders from harvesting email addresses from websites, remember that the Internet is a world-wide community, and not everyone is bound to US law. So put your email address on your website in a graphic in a really wonky, stylistic font - readable by humans but not by automated machines (as seen on sites that require you to type in the virtually unreadable text before they allow you to sign up - the so-called "captcha").

On the side of being safe beware of the classic trick of the scammers. In my opinion this isn't spam but a manifestation of another ilk of internet debauchery that I have affectionately dubbed as "scumware." The ever famous Nigerian representative is one example of this - we all know not to do business with Nigerians giving away money (or anyone giving away money, for that matter - if it sounds too good to be true it probably is). But there's often the urgent email saying your bank account is about to be frozen. Before doing anything on any legitimate looking email check it's voracity! It sounds obvious, but recently I had a very good friend unleash a particularly harmful virus on his company's computer system because he didn't take a moment to check the legitimacy of an email.

When doubtful emails come in asking you to follow a link, put your mouse cursor over the link that they provide but DON'T CLICK ON IT! Just cursor over it and read the email address in the status bar of your browser (that's the little bar at the bottom of your browser that shows details of the link - if it's not enabled on your browser, ENABLE IT). If it's not the same base address (that is, http://www.yourbank.com/, or similar) to your bank then it's fraud. Delete immediately.

That's the first step. You can filter 90% of fraudulent emails that way. And, at the same time, you can deduce that you're smarter than the person who sent it because, through some javascript frippery, it's possible to change what that says (conceivably to a legitimate email address). If you're not totally freaked out by the email (and I would be: always go with the thought that banks never send emails with a "convenient link") then simply call your bank.
AND WHEN IT DOUBT - THROW IT OUT! If it's legitimate then they'll find another way to contact you if it really is that important.

Take this advice to heart, people. If you ignore the email and it is from your bank then you have a good argument that they deserved to be ignored because the email wasn't from a legitimate source. I won't guarantee it (because I don't guarantee anything) but if you have enough time to send white-on-black faxes to spammers then you have enough time to call your bank and ask them if http://x23.x45.x67.x89/ (or whatever number the address is) is their actual IP address. All named internet addresses, like http://www.widgetinc.com/, are converted to numeric equivalents, called IP, or "Internet Protocol" addresses - it's sort of like the Internet post/zip code. I'm sure your bank will be more than happy to tell you it's scumware spam and to dump the sucker. MAKE THE CALL! At worst the clerk on the other end may hang up thinking "whoa, that person was an idiot" but you can hang up thinking "whoa, I'm smart for making that call." And you are and chances are that the clerk will think so, too (if not, then he's an idiot).
Also, get yourself a good virus scanner to protect yourself from other forms of scumware. AVG provides one for free with complete updates and offers further protection for a nominal fee (http://www.avg.com/ - go to their comments section and tell them that you were referred by widgetinc.com or the sky will fall and the oceans will boil and you'll face eternal damnation and/or a bad credit rating).

But most of all, protect your blood pressure - learn to live with spam. If you're a small business then the time it takes to filter this garbage out is worth it when compared to the potential loss of business that comes from using hatchet technique spam filters. If you're a big business then you might consider actually hiring someone to filter spam. Hiring people is good for the kharma and good for the economy and human intuition beats electronic rationale every time.

Incidentally, I've heard that Hormel encourages the use of the term "spam, not only with regard to the Monty Python sketch but also in terms of unsolicited email. As they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity and, after all, who doesn't love spam, spam, spam, spam, spaaam, lovely spam?